Thank you for finding my cell phone. I was looking everywhere for it.
Yeah, I called you to tell you, but you didn't pick up.
Nineteen messages?
Yeah, I thought maybe there'd be, like, a reward involved,
so I just kept hammering away at it.
Listen, all right. Now that we agreed to start seeing other people,
are you seeing other people?
- Do you really wanna know that? - Yeah, I wanna know that.
- Yes. - I don't wanna know that.
Okay, now I've got some worse news.
You know that party you were gonna have at my bar on Sunday?
Yeah, the annual Gary's House Painting party.
That's where I drum up all my business by kissing all my clients' butts.
And why did you say it like it's not happening?
Because it's not happening.
What are you talking about? It's next Sunday! What happened?
Somebody came in and they reserved the whole bar for a private party.
I reserved the whole bar for a private party.
Yeah, but he put down a credit card.
You put down a fiver.
Hey, kids. All right. Who's ready for two straight days of non-stop,
in-your-face laying around and doing nothing
and probably lots of math.
Louise, honey,
please make sure something intelligent happens here this weekend, okay?
I'm like Jane Goodall, Mom. I'm only here to observe the apes.
Hey, Vanessa, I didn't expect to see you here.
You guys... You back on?
What do you mean? Why would you say that?
- Are you breaking up with me? - What?
- Thanks a lot, Allison. - What? What?
Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. You guys are teasing me. Great. Right?
Okay. Good. Very nice. Very nice one. Thank you.
I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.
Bye, Gary. I'm sorry about your party.
- Yeah, you, too. Hey. What party? - What party?
The annual Gary's House Painting party, remember?
God, I am so glad I don't have to have that party at my house this year.
Can I have that party at your house this year?
- What? No. - Please?
- No. No! - Please. Come on.
All the contractors think you're hot,
and all the interior decorators think you're fabulous.
- Please? - Okay.
- Under one condition. - Oh, no, I hate one condition.
Look, you have to go with me up to Big Bear next weekend.
Beth and Jim are renewing their wedding vows.
- Oh, no, I don't. - Yeah.
No, no, no. 'Cause you got Beth and Jim in the divorce.
I got the corn holders.
What, you mean Donna and PJ?
No, not the Kornholters, the actually corn holders,
the little mini-corn that you plug into the regular big corn.
- Corn holders. - Gary, yeah, I got it.
Look, look. You have to go.
I mean, Beth is one of our oldest and dearest friends.
Oldest and dearest friend? What are you talking about?
Every time you guys are together, you just backstab each other
and bicker and fight.
Well, that's what girlfriends do, Gary.
Jeez, you don't know women at all, do you?
Look, Gary, we were in their original wedding party.
I mean, if we don't go, it's gonna send a message
we no longer are interested in their happiness.
I'm Gary Brooks and I approve that message.
All right. All right, well, good luck having your party here.
I hope your guests enjoy their Hot Pockets and Frosted Flakes.
All right. You know what, you win. Okay, I'll go with you.
Okay. Good. Good. I will pick you up at 5:00.
Don't be late. Have your bag packed. And for God's sakes, don't wear shorts.
I hate when your legs sweat all over my car seat.
Didn't we already take this drive?
For, like, 15 years?
Hey, this is a nice room. Wow.
You know, if mine's not this nice, we're gonna switch.
Yeah. About that.
Hey, what are you doing? I told people. They know I'm here,
and the ex-wife is always the first suspect.
Okay.
Gary, I don't want you to overreact, but I need you to do something for me,
and you're not gonna like it.
All right, but we gotta go really fast 'cause I wanna get in the pool.
Gary, you say "really fast" like you do it any other way.
So, I mean...
No. We... We have to share a room.
Really? Why? Are they all sold out?
No.
Beth and Jim and everyone here still think we're married.
- Goodbye. - No. Come on.
- Come on, Gary. - What?
Come on. You know my relationship with Beth.
I can't have her gloat all weekend about how she's still married and I'm not.
Okay. Hi. She is still married and you're not.
I'm leaving.
- Ally, are you in there? It's Beth. - Yeah. Hang on, Beth.
Hey, Gary, honey, let go of me. I'm trying to answer the door.
Please, Gary. Look. Gary, look, if you do this,
not only can you have your party at my house,
but I will cook and I will flirt
- and I will guarantee you six new jobs. - Eight.
- Six. Six. Seven! - Eight. Eight.
- Fifty. - What? No. Fine, fine. Fine, eight.
- Fine, eight. - Okay.
But remember, we're madly in love, okay?
And we... We're totally into each other,
and we can't keep our hands off each other, okay?
I thought we're supposed to act like we're married.
You guys! What are you doing in there?
Just coming! Hang on! Okay, here.
Do you promise to pretend to be my husband?
- I do. - Okay.
Okay. Hang on.
- Hi! - Hi!
It's so nice when dolphins meet.
Look at you, gorgeous lady!
Me gorgeous? Look at you! You look great!
You have lost almost all your baby weight.
Thanks. Louise is 11. Yeah. You look fabulous, too.
Looks like you've really been enjoying life,
you know, out there, in the wind and the sun.
So, Gary, how's the painting business?
It's going good. Actually, I just signed a new contract to get eight new jobs.
- Could you... Could you stop... - What?
Just stop doing that because it's turning me on so much.
And I don't...
I don't wanna be tired at the party from all the sex we're gonna be having.
Great. Well, listen, everybody's down at the bar.
So, why don't you two come join us down there
after you've had a chance to settle in?
- Way in. - Okay.
- Yeah. Yeah, you got it, sweetie. - Right, Gary?
Our Molly is in every gifted class the school has to offer.
- We are so proud. - Yeah.
That is great. You know, our Louise is in every gifted class, too.
Did I tell you she was contacted by NASA?
- What? - Yeah.
You mean that flyer she got from Space Camp?
Well, Gary, they don't just give them to anybody, you know?
I thought they did. It was on our windshield after a Dodger game.
Gary.
Hey, you, sexy man. Would you go get us another round of drinks, huh?
- Oh, God, yes. That's a good idea. - Thank you, Gare Bear.
You're welcome, Al-batross.
You know, I'll go with you. I'll be right back, honey.
No, I don't think...
Okey-dokey.
- Hey, Bill. - Hey, Gary.
Stuart. You guys couldn't get out of this thing, either, huh?
No, but my wife had to agree to let me have a weekend
in Vegas by myself,
- no questions asked. - All right.
I got a lecture about how I'm lucky to have anything at all.
Hey, guys, look who showed up.
Oh, boy. Leslie Martin. She looks great.
- Yeah. - Probably because she's divorced.
She and Glen split up last year.
She looks even better than I imagine her
when I'm having sex with my wife.
You know what I'm gonna do, guys?
I'm gonna do something I did not have the nerve to do 15 years ago.
I'm gonna go over there and just stand there
and not say anything until it becomes so awkward
that she finally says hi to me.
Gary Brooks?
Hey, Leslie. I didn't even see you here. That's crazy.
- Wow. It's been forever. - Yeah.
Hey, sorry to hear about you and Glen.
You know what I miss most about being married?
- What? - Absolutely nothing.
- Divorce is awesome. - That's great.
- How's Allison? - Who?
- Your wife, Allison. - Yeah, we split up.
The driving on the way here. We split it up.
She drove to Riverside, and then I took over, you know.
Well, I'm glad you're here. You wanna buy me a drink?
- Well, they're free. - Just like me.
Poor Gary. So nice of him to talk to Leslie like that.
Can't imagine anything more sad than being divorced.
I don't know. What about throwing a party in honor of yourself? Maybe.
Look at him. Staring into her eyes
and hanging on every little word she says.
Yeah, well, that's my Gary. He's a great listener.
Looks like he'd like to listen her brains out.
This is ridiculous. You're making me wear pajamas?
Is it okay that I'm going commando,
or should I go back and put on some Pull-Ups?
I'm gonna watch some TV.
- What's the matter, Allison? - Nothing.
Really? Then why are you doing that angry page turn?
I don't know what you're talking about, Gary.
- Then what was that? - Coupon.
Yeah. Okay. As long as nothing's wrong, I'll drop it.
- Nothing's wrong. - Okay. Great.
- What the hell was with you and Leslie? - I knew it.
Everybody knew it, Gary. You were flirting with her all night.
You're supposed to be married.
- What, are you jealous? - Of course not, Gary.
I just don't want you to blow my cover.
I mean, admit it. You were, like, in full-on flirt mode
with the dancing and joking and chewing with your mouth closed.
I mean, when was the last time you did that?
Well, I'm surprised you even noticed any of that,
I mean, 'cause you were spending the whole time trying to one-up Beth.
It was embarrassing. At one time, you told her Tommy has no cavities.
Well, he doesn't. And their son Joey, braces. Yeah.
Look, Gary, the point is, please, would you stay away from Leslie?
- You took a vow. - No, no, no. I didn't take a vow.
- No? Okay. - I took a deal.
Okay, look, you know what, if you still want to have your party
at my house, you have to remember you and I are married.
All right, you what? I don't know how you've managed this, Allison,
but somehow, being married to you this time
is worse than it was the last time.
I'm going to the vending machine and I'm going to get ice.
And I'm only making one trip,
so if you want anything, you gotta tell me now.
Do you want anything? You want some pretzels?
You want like a Nutter Butter or something?
Some cheese crackers? Peanut butter crackers?
You want, like, a Kit Kat? A Snickers? Beech-Nut gum?
Want a... Maybe... All right.
- Bring me something with coconut! - Too late.
- Hey, Leslie. Hi. - Hi.
I'm just going to get ice.
Some inconsiderate person just took the last of it.
- Well, your bucket's all full. - I know. It was me.
I hear good things about your son's teeth.
Allison thinks I'm at the ice machine.
The machine's empty. We've got 20 minutes, half hour tops.
That's great. I can do it, like, five times.
Wait, wait. Hold on a second. This is crazy.
I know. It's so wrong. I love it.
No. I promised Allison I would be faithful this weekend.
- Just this weekend? - Yes. Which is ridiculous,
because I just broke up with my girlfriend,
so this weekend would've been perfect.
You have a girlfriend?
Had. I had a girlfriend. Now I don't have a girlfriend,
so I'm not really cheating on anyone except my wife.
- Okay. Get on the bed. - Okay. I'll get on the...
- Gary, are you all right? - It's okay.
Wow, these beds should have a warning track.
Why can't you ever remember your key? For...
- Hey, Beth. I thought you were... - Gary?
- Yeah. - I'm not.
- Well, yeah, I see. - Where is Gary?
He went to get me something out of the vending machine.
- Yeah. - That's nice.
Bet he's getting a little something for himself, too.
Hey, let's go see Leslie. It'll be fun.
What happened here?
It looks like two people with ice buckets crashed into each other.
I wonder where the bodies are.
I can't do this.
Yes, you can. You're good at it. Trust me.
No, I can't. I can't.
I'm jeopardizing the thing that's the most important to me.
- Of course. Your marriage. - No, this party I'm having Sunday night.
- Leslie. It's Beth and Allison. - Hey, you guys.
- I gotta get out of here. - What are you doing in there?
Nothing. Just trying to sneak some guy out of my room.
Why would you say that? That's...
You're being sarcastic. That's good. Yeah. Okay.
Hey, you know what, maybe we should just leave her alone.
Sounds like she's with someone. Did you hear a man's voice?
Hey, you guys. What's up?
We just wanted to see what you were up to.
Well, Beth did, mostly. I was in bed
when Gary got up to get some ice-cream sandwiches.
Yeah.
You haven't seen him, have you, Leslie?
Yes. There he is.
- Gary, I thought you were... - Getting snacks for Allison? I was.
- You're covered in leaves. - Yeah.
Wicked leaf fight with the Best Western across the street.
- We kicked their ass. - Well, good night, you guys.
We're gonna go make some love... Oh, gosh!
- Were you over in Leslie's room? - Yes. I was waiting for ice to be made.
What did you do, jump out her window?
I had to jump out a window. I almost got caught red-handed
doing nothing wrong by my pretend wife.
Well, great, Gary. Now Beth thinks there's something wrong
- with our marriage. - Something's wrong with our marriage?
I'm always the last to know.
What do you care what Beth thinks?
She's a creep, that lady. She's like a comic book villain.
Beth is the one person who from the beginning
said that we wouldn't make it. And we didn't, okay?
I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of being right.
- You're kicking me out? - Yeah, Gary.
And just like the last time, you're asking me if I'm kicking you out.
Oh, my gosh. Easy.
I can't believe you, Gary. I asked you to do one tiny thing this weekend,
you couldn't do it. I knew I couldn't count on you.
And just as I did 15 years ago,
I'd like to re-pronounce Beth and Jim husband and wife.
- Hey, where's Gary? - He had to leave late last night.
One of his paint trucks exploded. Yeah. It was horrible, but beautiful.
But horrible. Yeah.
Thank you for coming, everybody.
We're so happy you were able to share this with us.
And I know some of you have been asking,
yes, this is the same dress I wore 15 years ago.
Oh, for God's sakes.
- Hey. Sorry I'm late. - What are you doing here?
I'm here to let you know that I'm not gonna let you down.
Well, you know what? Forget it, Gary.
There's nothing you can say to make up to me.
Oh, really? Could I have everybody's attention, please?
- What are you doing? - Gary. You snuck in.
You're pretty good at sneaking around.
Beth, remember when you were cheerleading in college
and you always wanted to know who it was
that hit you in the face with that peach?
Well, I'd like to come clean. It was a nectarine.
But watching Beth and Jim renew their vows has really inspired me.
And I would like to renew my vows with Allison right now.
No, no, we wouldn't. We're good.
- No, we're real good. Allison... - Look, I can't stand you.
I can't stand here and act like the times
that we've spent together haven't been the best,
- because they have. - I will kill you.
And Allison would kill me
if I didn't mention the fact that our house is amazing.
She keeps it immaculate. And we have our two beautiful children.
Tommy, of course, with his mouth full of flawless teeth,
and flight commander Louise H. Brooks.
Shove a sock in it.
You know, the Russian poet, Shoveasockinit, he...
He said love, like vodka, should flow freely between two lovers.
And that's what it's like with me and Allison.
And I know when we first got together, some of you were doubters... Beth.
And... But here we are. We're still here.
We're still married. We're still very much in love.
And, Allison, if I've done anything to disappoint you,
even something recently, I'm sorry. And I just... I won't let you down.
That's all I got.
They want us to kiss.
Yeah. I should have thought this through more.
All right. Let me handle it.
Hey, everybody.
- We're divorced. - What?
It has been seven wonderful months.
In fact, I am already engaged to a doctor.
So, I'm sorry. I didn't want everyone to know about me and Gary.
But now that you do, the truth feels good.
Allison, you're divorced! I'm so sorry.
- We're divorced, too. - What?
I wasn't supposed to say that.
We still sleep together on occasion, though, you know.
I probably wasn't supposed to say that, either.
Anyway, thanks, Allison.
We're in therapy.
We're not divorced, but things are looking pretty bad right now.
But thank you, Allison.
Would everyone please stop thanking Allison for being divorced?
I thought we all knew each other well enough
that we didn't have to lie about who we are.
I'm gay.
Yeah.
Jim.
I'm sorry. I came out to Beth about six weeks ago.
But, you know, we still love each other,
and we'd already paid for all the floral arrangements,
which I designed.
And Beth is dealing with this new and exciting chapter of our lives.
And, come on, how many of you aren't surprised?
Jim, would you help me outside for some air, please?
Yeah, honey. Listen, everybody, the bar's open, okay?
And we'll be right back. And also, I am dating a doctor.
Wow.
- Good for him. - Yeah.
Hey, you didn't have to come here and rescue me, you know.
I wasn't here to rescue you. I was here to fulfill my marital duties.
Plus...
God, I hate when people pick on you. I always have.
What are you talking about? You did for 15 years.
Yeah, but I'm, like, really good at it.
- Let's get a drink. - All right.
- So, a Russian poet, Shoveasockinit? - Yeah.
You know, his muse was his wife, Oftenisabitch.
Come on, Gary, we got a three-hour drive.
All right.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Yeah, we're leaving. - Yeah. Me, too.
I just wanna get back home and put this all behind me.
- Pretty crazy weekend. - Yeah.
So, I hear your daughter's in the space program.
Yeah. We're very proud of her.
Hey, Gare, I'm gonna be in the car. I'll see you in five minutes, huh?